LET’S TALK PLEASURE!

“Each of us has a heart, a soul, and a feeling. Each of us desires to be wanted, to be appreciated, and to be loved. The enchantment in life is to discover and spend time

with another person who knows that and expresses it. In

this context, the liberation of our naked bodies in the act

Lovemaking is what gives us ultimate pleasure.”

Being a woman myself, I have often heard other women complaining that they no longer enjoy sex. Part of the reason is that things are monotonous with their husbands/partners whose libido is often more than their own. It even gets annoying for them, as they say, there is a sameness to the routine that makes it hard to look forward to.

Their dilemma might echo with a lot of us, especially women. Body dysmorphia often comes in the way of intimacy and pleasure. And this is only one of the hurdles women face when it comes to intercourse. There are also societal and familial norms that influence women’s enjoyment of sex. “There are norms on how women, in general, are supposed to behave in terms of sex and pleasure and that can lead to an inherent sense of shame associated with sex.”

Most men orgasm during penetrative sex while less than 50% of women do so, leading to the outdated myth that women aren’t hard-wired to seek sex as a pleasurable experience in itself. This can unfortunately end up limiting the female sexual experience. From a scientific perspective, women are more than capable of enjoying sex-the tip of the clitoris has more than 8000 nerve endings, double that of the head of the penis.

“Science has proven that women can experience multiple orgasms during intercourse. Hence, nature has not discriminated at all.” Part of the problem is also the patriarchal foundation of most societies.-patriarchy teaches us that sex, for women, is a giveaway, while for men it is a takeaway. She saves herself, gives herself to the right one, and then loses her virginity. In this equation, there is nothing in sex that’s for her to take. Whereas he takes and scores and there is nothing in sex for him to give. When her mind is programmed to give, she struggles to say “no”. When his mind is programmed to take, he struggles to accept “no”. Trying to teach consent without first eradicating purity culture and normalizing female pleasure is like trying to teach a bird how to fly after you have chopped off its wings.

Women have, over the years, been deprived of spaces, resources, and conversations around what pleasure may truly mean for them. “This may include being shamed for dressing a certain way, bullied for engaging in relationships with the ‘opposite gender’ forced into arranged marriages and only having sex for procreation”.

Throw in the fact that women are often conditioned to believe that sex is just a way to satisfy their intimate partner’s needs, so they have a very unilateral perception of sex. “When you don’t have a roadmap to what sex might mean for you, how do you navigate pleasure, fun, or enjoyment during sex ?”

The orgasm gap is particularly pronounced in cultures where virginity is tied to purity and where people believe that a women’s dignity lies between her legs. When the prevailing narrative around female sexuality is that of a shy, fragile creature blushing and running away at the mention of sex, you perpetuate the myth that pleasure is the prerogative of the man. When sex is seen as something that men are supposed to initiate with women passively participating, a stereotype reinforced through myth and pop culture, the right to make a choice and ask for what you want is often taken away for women.

“Also dos and don’ts are defined in a way that you’re either a slut or a pride”. All this and more affects the psyche of women from a rather young age as internalized shame sets in and you end up judging yourself more”.

Clearly, sex needs to be seen as a mutually pleasurable act between two enthusiastic, consenting partners. Also, both partners need to put in equal effort to understand each other’s sexual needs and desires. “If the man’s attitude is, ‘I reached my climax and now I don’t care about what happens to you,’ then the woman won’t be able to sustain her interest for too long.” Thence, the male partner needs to put in extra effort to ensure that the woman orgasms too.

What also needs to change is the way we consume information about sex. Mainstream pornography, for instance, is highly problematic as it is made for men and by men with a complete focus on male pleasure. While admittedly there are people being more mindful of female pleasure and creating ethical, feminist porn, the reality is that it is still relatively niche. Unfortunately, the reality is that many people continue to rely on mainstream porn to educate themselves about sex. ‘Porn determines what’s right or wrong, there’s no reliability, and often harmful misinformation can be truly detrimental to our understanding of pleasure and intimacy.

And yes, sex education will go a long way toward helping partners understand how sex can be pleasurable and how many problems can be solved by communication. “It can help them explore and understand their and the partner’s body better and how they can make the process enjoyable for both.” It can also bring form concerns that may not have been addressed earlier such as sex-related shame.

“It can also teach women how important it is to know and explore their bodies and how an open and honest conversation about what they like(and dislike) and how they like with their partners can help them enjoy the process better together”.

Keeping in mind women’s sexual health and sexual wellness, this article aims to make people in general aware about women’s sexual and reproductive health because men play an equally important role in women’s empowerment.